When Style’s/Neil Strauss’s The Game came onto the shelves, learning technique to pick up women reached a new peak. Prior to that point, there was a good 15 years where men swapped ideas, stories and techniques within the privacy of internet forums (even before the internet was “the internet”).
What motivates guys to get into this? How did this material come about?
I think, at the root of it, guys get denied in some way, shape, or form. Maybe women tell them that they only want to be friends, then start dating some “jerk”. Maybe women think the guy is weird/awkward. Maybe women just don’t notice the guy at all. Some guys get sad, some get bitter, some get angry and some get scared.
There comes a point where they are so uncomfortable thinking about the subject of women that they want to solve the problem. That is to say, they want horrible lonesome or bitter/angry or unworthy feeling to go away.
But on top of that anger or sadness, is another emotion: shame or embarrassment.
We don’t want people to know that we needed help. If we had our choice about changing ourselves, we would quietly tinker around in some cacoon/basement, get ourselves perfected and emerge a butterfly (never letting the world know that we started out a caterpillar).
So to protect ourselves from facing shame, we get on the internet and talk with other men with the intent to figure it out. We never want to feel the sadness, bitterness, anger or humiliation again. And as long as we’re posting anonymously over the internet, no one will ever know we once felt this way or needed help.
As a result, many of us go from one extreme to other – layering on technique as armor to protect wounds, instead of healing wounds and learning to be light and enjoy life. Seducing to validate oneself. Seducing to prove something to self or others.
At the heart of it, guys are looking to improve their relationship with women. Guys are supporting one another. These are good things. It’s a shame that in our society, these things are shunned. Really, these are things that will lead to a better future, so they should be supported.
What I think is unfortunate is when people lose sight of why they’re really learning this stuff. It starts to become a detached “game”, devoid of any connection to the fact that we are dealing with other human beings. This is a results oriented community, but I believe bringing more humanity to it will get better results and make interactions better for everyone involved.
If you look at women as objects (or targets), you will come off as slimy. I think I was falling into this trap in August. I had a lot of success in June and July and I wanted to just “rack up some numbers”. I hate to admit that because I am certainly not a user of people, nor am I the type to just take without giving something good in return. Regardless, I was not looking at the women as people, I was looking at them as “targets” or “pieces of the game”. Doesn’t make me a bad person… just a person doing a bad habit.
If your interactions with women are more about execution of principles/techniques than about the quality of interaction in it of itself, you’ll come across as creepy. This will happen when I’m running with some kind of technique that I haven’t completely integrated yet. Some techniques feel more authentic than others – the creep-o-meter is a good measure of how authentically you’ve integrated material.
If you’re bracing yourself totally, trying to protect yourself from taking any kind of hit, you’ll come across as hesitant and awkward.
If I’m playing the game of life “safe” and “comfortable”, then my interactions with women are usually “safe” and “comfortable” as well. When I’m putting all my chips in and risking it all in my life, then my interactions have balls. They are daring and risky. I’m not throwing out lines and then bracing myself for if she doesn’t respond well. Instead, I am simply acting how I want to act, totally open to whatever response she gets. The know time, I’m knowing I can handle it.
I think some guys will read what I’m saying and breathe a sigh of relief. “Oh, you mean I have permission to be a human being and feel things?” Yup.
At the same time, I think other guys are going to read this and think, “What a bunch of fruity crap. This guy is going to get bulldozed if he shows vulnerability to the super hot ice-queens.” Time will tell, but I don’t believe that the super hot ice-queens are really icy, deep down inside. I think they are pretty women who have to protect themselves against guys who are bringing less than all of themselves to the interaction, yet still hit on them. The “ice” is just partly a test (to screen out losers quickly), partly an auto-pilot response and partly a response to men who are bringing less than all of themselves to the table.
Time will tell as the Presence Experiment continues.