Heading Towards Depression

Like I said… I am committed to writing about real stuff on this blog and this post is kind of difficult to write about for me.Heading Towards Depression

I was really depressed for a while up until recently. I was riding high for a while – I was really on top of my life, taking on a lot of projects, being really productive.  I was fulfilled in many respects since I felt like I was doing things that mattered and I was accomplishing things that were meaningful to me.

On the flip side of things, I was obsessed with my work and my pursuit of success. I had a relationship at the time and I really didn’t feel motivated to go out and be social.  “What’s the point,” I thought, “I would rather keep working on what I’m doing.  I’m not looking to meet girls – I’ve got one.  I don’t feel like conversing with a bunch of drunk people.  I’d rather just keep working and moving myself forward.”

Now, I knew I was isolating myself, but I really didn’t care all that much.  I loved the feeling of being productive and doing things to develop my career and my future.

All the meanwhile, Legend kept saying, “You need to take breaks, man.  You need to balance out your life.”

And I would say, I know, I know, you’re right.  But I didn’t – I dumped everything else other than work.  I stopped exercising, stopped eating healthy food, stopped doing anything for entertainment (other than watching a movie or a TV show at the end of the night when I saw my girlfriend), stopped doing yoga.

So when it came time for my vacation in Miami, I didn’t even enjoy myself.  I wished that I hadn’t taken it.  I wanted to just be working, but instead I was totally away from my work and I was stuck with time to start reflecting on my life.  I was pleased with the work I had done, but I was disgusted at how much I had let myself go in other respects.

It was also during this trip that I had an STD scare.  Fortunately, it was nothing… it was just a skin reaction in a place where I wouldn’t want to see one, but it scared the crap out of me.  I mean, I was literally terrified.  I thought to myself, “I screwed myself.  If I caught something from all the screwing around I did last year, I will never be able to forgive myself.  Worse, if I have something then I definitely transferred it to my girlfriend, which to me feels even more unforgivable.”

It changed a ton of things for me.  It definitely took my young, carefree, fun-filled view of sex and stomped on it.  It made my future seem bleak and pointless because I felt I would never be able to raise a family with a wonderful woman someday.

When I went to the doctor, he told me I was OK and I was relieved.  But I wasn’t completely relieved…  something snapped in me at that time and I started become really nervous and anxious.  I didn’t want to see people or for people to talk with me.  I wanted to be left alone.  I started viewing the world as a cold, sad and unforgiving place.

Still, I kept working.  In fact, I sparked an idea that I was really excited about.  A very ambitious idea that would stretch me far beyond any project I had taken on, mainly because it would involve hiring people with different skillsets to create it.  All sorts of considerations needed to be made: programming, business structure, marketing, accounting, etc.

I was excited, but when I started getting thick into it, I started to get really scared.  I started to doubt that I could really make it come all together and I started to hate the tedious aspects of business that I needed to learn to make my dream a reality.

I felt that I was starting to get really stressed out, so I decided that I needed to start doing more things to relax.  I started eating more unhealthy food than even before.  I started playing video games.  I started sleeping late and avoiding phone calls.

Where was the girlfriend during all of this?  Well, I would see her at the end of the night… the waking hours we would spend together were between about 11 PM – 2 AM.  We were usually tired and would watch a movie and I would then immediately pass out from total exhaustion.  She was a great girl too… but I did not have room for her in my mind or in my pursuits.

If I had known that the road would have led me to that point, I never would have started dating my girl.  We cared about each other, we had good intentions and we respected each other.  There were definitely fights, misunderstandings, ups and downs, but overall she was a great girl in every way a girl could be.

But I wasn’t mentally, emotionally, spiritually or even physically available for the relationship to work.  I started to wish she would leave me – I didn’t want to do it because I felt she wouldn’t understand, she would blame herself and she would feel I rejected her.  The reality was that I cared very deeply for her and I wanted her to have a better relationship than I could provide.  We finally broke it off a few weeks ago.

Anyway, I will write more about this later.  My point in writing all of this is that I want this blog to be REAL.  If I go through something tough, I want to share it because for all I know there could be hundreds of readers out there that are going through the same exact thing.  If I am not sharing my own difficulties and how I overcame them, then I am not helping people.

I don’t want this site to be some PUA den where we sling around numbers and lay reports.  I am over all of that.  I am writing this to illustrate that life has a wider and deeper range than the myopic PUA view of the world covers.  Love has a wider and deeper range than the cold and removed regard that the PUA world has for it.  And personal responsibility, personal values, personality…  these are usually seen more as obstructions to the typical PUA course than as benefits or things to be celebrated.

Fine.  Then what am I offering in place of the PUA view?  Common sense.  Critical thinking.  Investigation.  Personal experience.

The truth of the matter is, I ended up ingesting a lot of silly ideas along the PUA path.  Of course there’s good stuff out there to learn – I will never deny that there is.  What I am pointing out here is that a lot of prominent material is ripe with the author’s own agenda.  And if you were incredibly starved to get the type of sex and women into your life that the courses promised, you probably ended up swallowing a lot of these silly ideas too.

I am going to go through and pick apart many of the ideas that are out there.  This won’t be a rant – I will always propose what I have found to be a better solution from personal experience.  If anything, my hope is that I will bring many of you relief in what I have personally found works really well.