Dessert Before Dinner: The Deadly Error to Becoming Confident

“I want my life to look like Entourage,” he said with youthful excitement, “so I’ve been reading a ton about confidence and social circle game. I want to be the SNL guy (the guy who gets same night lays).”

I was listening patiently up to this point, but I was just about ready to pop. “Here we go,” I thought, “another student who wants dessert before dinner.”

“Cool,” I blurted out flatly, “so what have you been doing about it?”

“Oh… well… I’ve been reading…,” he began.

“No,” I said, “What actions have you been taking to become that guy?”

“Oh… well… I haven’t done anything in-field.  I’m not ready yet… I still have a lot of AA (approach anxiety) and I think I need to do a lot of inner game work before I’d be ready for that,” he said with a touch of shame and sadness in his voice.

And there it is… the central problem to chasing “dessert” before dinner. Believe me, I never want to be the guy that shits on another man’s motivation and inspiration…

But I’m not helping anyone unless I cut the crap and speak right to the heart of the issue. I’ve said it many times before: I wasted 2.5 years sifting through product after product searching for the key to solve my problems and fears with women.

And what I found was…

I wanted to solve the problem with my brains instead of my heart and my balls! I wanted to avoid experiencing anything painful: embarrassment, fear, rejection, confusion, frustration, humiliation, criticism, anger, heartbreak, loss of control, guilt, shame.

After all – isn’t that what all these products are for? So that we can get the results and have control?

Wouldn’t that be a sweet, sweet reality. Oh man…

You could read 100 books about honey. Learn how honey is made, what it is made out of… learn how bees evolved with plant life… learn foods that honey is made with… listen to people who eat honey all the time talk about eating honey.

You could log into forums and talk endlessly about how much you “know” about honey…


Reading about honey does not and COULD NOT equate to experiencing honey. To experience it, you need to taste it… feel it… have it.

By now, I probably turned off half the audience – but fuck it, I would rather speak the truth to those who are ready to hear it than pander to an audience who wants to believe all the PUA marketing crap out there.

I can hear you protesting, “Edge, what are you saying?  Studying pick-up is a waste? Trying to work on my inner game isn’t going to help me? Didn’t you start this blog to teach men how to game better? What are you saying?!”

Calm down – I learned a lot from many guys in the seduction / pick-up / dating advice community.

But it’s all useless until you start applying what you’ve read with your heart and your balls!

Believe me, I’ve been there. Reading ebook after ebook, audio course after audio course. Knowing my fear of taking action was the ever-present undercurrent to everything I was studying, just praying that something would give me the answer to stop feeling the fear and anxiety.

You want the women. You want the sex. You want the glory and the envy of other men. You want that rockstar confidence. You want the DESSERT (the PAY-OFF).

The pathway to confidence is uncomfortable, scary and exciting. If you are not uncomfortable, then you are not growing your confidence.

But wanting the dessert doesn’t give you the dessert. Wanting the dessert just makes you hungry and soft – it makes you a soft man, characterized only by weakness, neediness and fear!

Stop.  Stop for a moment.

Think: How much time have you spent reading about getting laid versus going out and experiencing trying to get laid? How much time do you invest into trying? How far do you push yourself out of your comfort zone?

You know in your heart when you are really trying and when you are avoiding taking real action.

Reading a book is not experiencing taking action. It is avoiding your path to confidence.

Talking about taking action is not taking action. It is procrastinating your path to confidence.

Taking action is… taking action. Anything else is an excuse.

“But my excuse is REAL,” you yell at your screen, damning me for condemning your chosen substitute for game.

No… it’s the illusion you bought into.

You can either invest in your illusions (aka the reasons why you can’t do what you want to do) or you can invest in finding solutions. This is the path to growing your confidence.

Stop craving dessert and searching for someone to just hand you the rewards without you having to work. Get better at taking action NOW and everything else will fall into place.

Eat your dinner before expecting dessert.